The Dismal Tide

When it comes to market-based economies, nothing brings out desperation like a nice, deep recession.

This month, HarperCollins published a forty-eight-page book, How to Talk to Girls, by a nine-year-old boy. He just sold the film options to Fox. A sequel, How to Talk to Moms, is slated for release in March. Perhaps it will match this titanic bestseller:



In MTV's latest reality show, contestants vie for a chance to fuck identical, bisexual twins*. The twins' meteoric rise was precipitated on a brief waitressing stint at Hooters, during which they simultaneously revealed their bisexuality.

To promote continued ignorance -- particularly, it seems, amongst youngsters -- energy magnates have launched "The Clean Coal Carolers," a website featuring anthropomorphized, hovering pieces of coal that sing Xmas carols with adapted, pro-coal lyrics. (It's really weird; in a way it's as if they advocate self-immolation and genocide. Burn us! Please, burn us!) Here, for example, is the bridge to "Frosty the Coalman": "There must have been some magic in clean coal technology / For when they looked for pollutants there was nearly none to see."

Nearly.

Penn State, my mom's alma mater, announced last week the production of official university perfumes and colognes. Their developer -- who is either synesthetic or really gutsy -- claims that the fragrance "captures the essence of the school’s blue and white colors."

And then there's Manbabies. Yes, Manbabies, equal parts terrific and terrifying.

More evidence, thus, of what is quickly becoming a truism: Any effort to lampoon American culture is inevitably bested by actual headlines.

*In the summer of 2006, this turn of events was foreseen by prescient mock-shock-rock progenitors The Purple Cocks; cf. "Identical Twincest," The Fourth of July Cockfest EP, self-released.