A Note Re: Me

Hello all. I haven’t posted on here for quite awhile, and, actually, haven’t meaningfully interacted with most of you for at least as long. I suppose the purpose of this entry is to solicit you all for a bit of patience with me. Without going into too much detail, I will say that I am going through some proverbial shit right now. In fact, I have been for a very long time. Said shit has rendered it very difficult, if not impossible, to be normal in social situations. It has taken the joy out of my life in many ways and made me into a real drag to be around.

You have noticed this, I’m sure, and probably remarked on it to other readers of this blog. It might have prompted questions such as, “wow, why is someone as spectacularly amazing as Cait together with this guy?” And so on. It has made me pretty unbearable to be around, I’m sure, especially at parties and the like.

I’m a strong believer in the notion that one is nothing other than the sum of his/her actions. In this sense, it is difficult to make any claims about this person that I have been of late not being the “real me.” In a very true sense, I am the awkward, withdrawn dude that you’ve seen for a long time now. I am the fellow who hasn’t contributed anything meaningful to a conversation with any of you in recent memory. While I realize that this will only change when a change is manifest in my actions, the capacity for this change is assuredly there. The thing is, underneath the fucked up shell-of-a-person that you guys have seen of me, I’m actually, like, the coolest dude there is. Srsly: so awesome.

There are two reasons that you should bear with me. First, I’m self-aware. At least I’m conscious of how lame I’ve been. Second, I’m trying hard to get past whatever hang-ups I have that have left me socially retarded. I’ve been in therapy for a few months now, and while progress has been slow (as was painfully evident at, say, Dan’s party this weekend), I assure you that it is there. I think that some breakthroughs are imminent.

I know some of you better than others, but I think that all of you are remarkable. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to be the friend to you that many of you are to each other. I wrote this to give you a glimpse into an (unfortunately) dominant part of my life at the moment, lest you think that I have been a generally disappointing person for any reason other than the ones given above. I’ve basically been paralyzed by fear of social interaction for a while now, and I want to do better. Please bear with me, and hopefully I’ll be able to offer more (in many ways) in the not-too-distant future.

In other news, I'm interviewing tomorrow for a job with this research group in the City. They maintain a large network of industry experts in five different fields (telecom, energy and industrials, healthcare, etc.). Institutional investors call them with industry-specific questions requiring the advice of an expert, and the research group selects an appropriate expert and arranges consultation. The idea is that it is much more efficient for this research group to provide this service than for the investor to seek out the proper expert and deal with getting in touch. I would be in charge of matching investors with experts. The cool thing is that they are looking for someone to deal mostly with German clients. I would be that person, dealing on a daily basis with German executives and such in the arena of alternative energies and heavy industrials. So that's cool. Put them German skillz to use. Wish me luck.

Mostly been listenin' to Bembeya Jazz National and mixes from this place.